Apparently it is now politically incorrect to compliment a woman or have the audacity to ask her out on a date. I formally apologise to all those I have had the impudence to call beautiful, gorgeous or lovely over the years and to those I asked to join me for an evening’s entertainment. Whether they agreed to my subversive behaviour or otherwise does not allow for such indecent and obscene proposals. No doubt when I’m doing porridge for such heinous crimes I will have time to reflect on my sins. Perhaps I can share my cell with somebody from IS and we can deliberate on our misdoings together
God I hate New Year. What is it after all, the fag end of Christmas. Everyone by then is sick of booze and stuffing themselves and now they’re forced to shove even more down their throats!
There you’re at the local pub, the music’s so bloody loud you can’t hear the conversation, which truth be told is a definite bonus but if you hear Hi Ho sodding Silver Lining one more time you swear your going to throttle the DJ.
The bloke who invited you has cried off sick and you’re stuck with people you don’t want to be with in the first place, all pretending to be having a jolly good time. So you get totally pissed, just to improve the company.
Then the dancing starts. ‘Oh God’ the world suddenly thinks they should be on Strictly and you see life’s pathetics bouncing up and down believing they‘re Anton Du Beke. They really look like stuffed marrows on wheels!
At 12 O’clock the corks pop and out comes the cheap cava or revolting Asti Spumante and you sing Auld Lange Syne, not that you know the words and back slap people you can’t stand. Sad old woman kiss you somewhat more passionately than they’d care to remember the following morning and you can guarantee one of them stinks of vomit because she had a couple more than her usual small glass of sherry.
You walk outside for a breath of fresh air and see the next door neighbour groping his daughter’s best friend. He glares at you as she runs off covered in embarrassment, and sheepishly slurs, ‘Well she is eighteen’ – he’s 58!!
Of course there’s the New Year’s Resolutions, ‘I’m going to lose weight’ I’m going to give up smoking’ ‘I’m going to be kind to old people’ Don’t worry, you’ll be sober tomorrow and have forgotten them all
Some twat decides he’s got a Scottish ancestor so everyone should go ‘first footing’ – that is knocking on some poor soul’s door and scrounging yet another drink, as if you haven’t had enough! Not content with that you’ve got to give the bloke a piece of coal, it’s tradition. Can you imagine being woken up at 2 o’clock in the morning by a bunch of drunks and being handed a bit of Arthur Scargill’s heritage?
Well you get to bed at 3, drunk as a skunk and wake up the following morning with your tongue feeling like sandpaper. Your head’s throbbing and you vow that you’re never going to drink again.
This year I’m staying in to watch Jules Holland on tele
Happy New Year!
Happy Christmas to you all
Have a great time and thanks for all your support this year. For a little yuletide story go to:-
Surveillance is part of their work, tracking and interviewing terrorists, working in political hotspots, dealing with the Mafia, drug barons, business despots, in fact anyone with a track record of not playing it straight. Their job is to take these people out by fair means or foul, but quietly.
My Enemy’s Enemy is published by Pearce Publishing
For six months I’d either been drunk or stoned, often both. I was a complete mess, a lost soul with no direction or purpose. Sitting on the deck of a scruffy house boat just outside Amsterdam I gazed into the void that had become my life. Replaying the scene for the twentieth time since waking I vaguely wondered how often I’d done that since it happened. I neither knew nor cared………………
‘It won’t be long yeah yeah yeah yeah’
My Enemy’s Enemy – coming soon